Good Pickings

By Uzma Rizvi

Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law share a special bond - a bond that is sometimes difficult to come to terms with. Some have it easy and adjust with one another from day one, while others have differences that are resolved over time. Some keep bickering all their lives, and some just learn to tolerate each other's shortcomings. So, when I was assigned this article to dig up qualities that women admire about their moms-in-law, I took it up with some reservations - Would I be opening a can of worms? Will I get any positive replies? Well, read on and find out.

When I put the question to Samira, who lives in a joint family, she was quiet for a long time, then said, "Right now I just cannot come up with anything I admire about my mom-in-law, except that ... I can say, she is time-conscious. She does not procrastinate, whether it is visiting people, doing household chores, or just going to the bazaar. As for her other commendable qualities I will call you back if I can think of more." I have not heard from her since!

Rafiqua, remembers her mother-in-law quite fondly and answered readily, "My mother-in-law expired a few years ago, but before that we had thirty years together. The thing I liked most about her was that she did a lot of Ibadah, whereas in my family I had not seen elders praying so much or so regularly. I also appreciated that although I had four daughters she never ever taunted me, like many in-laws do. Though we had our share of misunderstandings, she would always make up some how through her actions. Like she would call me for a chitchat, or would just hug me for seemingly no reason at all."

Mahnaz gave a meaningful smile, when asked to identify some worthy characteristics of her mother-in-law, "Umm...let me think. It's a little difficult to come up with something." Then she admitted, "Yeah, I know one thing, she is very patient with everybody - with her husband, with her son and with me. Even if she does not like something she usually keeps quiet and shows no reaction, no matter how much it bothers her. While I, on the other hand, am impatient. Now, I have learnt that her way of keeping quiet and letting things simmer down is a real asset in maintaining peace around the house."

Sajida lived as a newly-wed Bahu with her mother-in-law only for a few months, before the lady expired. "Unforgettable," is how she describes her mother-in-law, and adds, "She was very loving. The most admirable thing about her was that she would go out of the way to help others. She would pool in money for the needy. And yes, she also had wonderful tips and hints about house-keeping and interacting with people."

Now, that was not too difficult, was it? It just takes some effort to focus on virtues. Whenever a misunderstanding occurs, let us remind ourselves that each one of us has positive and negative traits. If we focus on the good rather than on the bad traits of others (especially close relatives), we will not only make our lives stress-free, but will also earn Allah's pleasure.

* Some names have been changed.

Matters in Meher

By Rana Rais Khan

Payment Of Meher:

There is no fixed limit of jointure money (Meher) in Shariah, but as much as lesser is preferred to make the marriage easy for common people. However it is a clear law that no marriage can take place without jointure money settled beforehand for the woman to be lawful for her husband. She has the right to claim it at the time of Nikah or defer it partly or fully to be paid in the future. She may also willingly forgo the jointure later on. The Quran states, "And give to the women (whom you marry) their Meher with a good heart; but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allah has made it lawful)." (Surah Nisa 4:4)

Amount of Meher:

The amount of jointure money is not fixed. Prophet Muhammad (saw) paid nearly twelve Oqia (Rs. 10.000/- approximately) to each of his wives. Same was fixed for his daughters. The amount of Rs. 32/- pertaining to jointure money is not valid from Quran or Sunnah. It is part of an old wives tale, which is only customary and has no religious authenticity. However it is stated that the jointure money should be ascertained according to the groom's income. Traditionally it is wrongly calculated on the basis of the father-in-law's financial status, which is usually higher than the groom's earning capacity. Narrated Uqba bin Amir (rta) the Prophet (saw) said, "The best jointure is that which is most easy." (Abu Dawud)

Difference between Meher and Alimony:

There seems to be a grave misconception regarding jointure money. Mostly it is taken to be a financial security for the bride, whereas Islam only considers it as a token money or gift from the husband to the wife at the time of marriage. Customarily the woman's family tries to demand huge sum of jointure money either as their daughter's security or to brag about in the society. Factually it is pointless to demand such high jointure money, which the groom is unable to pay, or worse has no intention to pay after the marriage. Alimony is absolutely different from jointure money, which only comes into effect at the time of a divorce.

Types of Meher:

Narrated Anas (rta), the Prophet (saw) set Safiya (rta) free and made her freedom her jointure. (agreed upon) Narrated Jabir bin Abdullah (rta) The Prophet (saw) said, "If anyone gives as a jointure to a woman some flour or dates, he has made her lawful for himself." (Abu Dawud) Narrated Ibn Abbas (rta), When Ali (rta) contracted to marry Fatima (rta) Allah's Messenger (saw) said to him, "Give her something (as jointure).".He replied, "I have nothing." He said, "Where is your Hutamiya coat of mail?" (Abu Dawud) It means jointure money can be non-financial things, money, gold, ornaments, clothes, land or house or anything else. Teaching and educating Quran can also be jointure.