Romance in Islam

By Shaikh Abdur Raheem Green

Hiba (Jan/Feb/March, 2012)

Why do we find the subject of romance fascinating? It has psychological, biological and cultural reasons in the backdrop. As humans, we move towards pleasure. We tend to escape pain. We are looking for certainty in life. However, sometimes we are searching for variety to avoid boredom, too. We all wish to be significant in some way, and we all are in search of love. Romance encompasses all six the above needs, which humans wish to fulfill in varied degrees.

Allah (swt) gifted Islam to us for fulfilling our needs. Our beautiful Deen recognizes and understands our innate nature. Unlike Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity and some sects of Judaism, Islam is not monastic in nature. Marriage is a confirmed Sunnah of the Prophet (saw), and he has declared it to be half of our faith. Marriage is the means to fulfill our desire to love and be physically intimate in a permissible manner. And if we follow the Sunnah, romancing our spouse becomes a means of worship, too.

The problem has occurred as we have moved away from the real teachings. In Asian communities, culture is infused in the minds of many. It has affected our understanding of marriage and romance consequently.We are exposed to the western cultural values in such intensity and quantity like never before. Western culture today is based on capitalism, materialism, secularism and consumerism. Their way of dealing with people is to create desires in them for following their passions and encouraging them to buy. They appeal to the biological/psychological need of their consumers, as they believe that sex sells. Naturally, the end product of this all is nudity and immorality. They call it love and romance. But in reality the dimensions and nature of romance are linked to Hollywood and Bollywood culture.

Today, many Muslim lands are not occupied physically, but their minds have been occupied psychologically. This is the worst form of occupation - it is called mind control. Because this is how we have gone astray and this is how we have become extremely unhappy. In Islam, romance is embedded within marriage. When marriages fail, societies crumble. Similarly, what we saw in the UK riots in 2011 were disturbed youth hailing from loveless homes. They were greedy for Duniya, because their souls were hollow. Their parents’ marriages had not worked out, and, hence, they were deprived of familial upbringing and belonging.

Culturally, some common ills that are plaguing are marriages based on duty, loveless marriages, children not being able to relate to the ideals of marriage of older generations, forced marriages, etc. (A forced marriage is invalid in Shariah in any case. Mutual consent of both partners is a pre-requisite for Nikah to be valid.) Mental coercion by parents to marry cousins or relatives. Marriages to mates that are physically unattractive, etc.

The West also went through a similar myriad of issues, and, hence, evolved a romantic idealism. Early Europe was pre-dominantly Christian, but their faulty approach to marriages forced them to find love outside Halal relationships. This is how fantasy stories like Romeo and Juliet were born. This is how romantic poetries, plays, movies and songs came into being.Shaitan attacks through Shahwat (desires) and Shubuhat (doubts). When Shaitan discovered this void in married relations, he filled it with extremism. In some cases, he converted people towards monasticism. That is to become cold fish and have no sex. Naturally, that would square marriages and societies. On the other extreme, he led them to become obsessed, envious, form romantic liaisons and behave like Casanovas. Creating imbalance is where Shaitan wins. And Islam exhorts to tread only the middle path.

Shariah is designed to protect the institution of marriage, so that societies can thrive. The connection between romance, marriages and prospering societies is deeply linked.There is a famous story of a monk, who was entrusted with the care of a girl. Her brothers were traveling to a far off land to engage in war and had no one to look after their sister. Hence, after they departed, the monk would leave a bowl of food outside his door for the girl to come and collect.

One day, Shaitan whispered to the monk that it might be safer for the girl to stay at her own house and that he should leave the food at her door. So they altered the arrangement, and the monk would leave the food at the girl’s door.

Then, the Shaitan advised the monk that maybe he should stay to ensure that the girl has collected the food and then leave, so that he knows that she is doing well. The monk followed Shaitan’s advice.

Next, Shaitan influenced the monk to talk to the girl to ask about her well-being, as she might be feeling lonesome. The monk did just so, and soon he and the girl became very close.

The monk committed adultery with the girl upon Shaitan’s prompting, and the girl became pregnant. Now, he killed her and buried her out of fear of disgrace - an idea stirred by Shaitan again.

When the brothers returned, Shaitan revealed to them, what the monk had done, and they had him captured and brought before the king. The king ordered the monk’s execution. Just before the monk was being prepared to be beheaded, Shaitan appeared again and promised to salvage him, if the monk prostrated before the Shaitan. The monk in desperation prostrated before him and was killed soon after.

See how Shaitan set a conniving trap and corrupted a saintly man, who ultimately died a disbeliever. For this very reason, Allah (swt) forbids us even to go near situations that may lead to sins. Today, in the pretext of romance, many such behaviours occur. What should be encouraged is not paid attention to – for example, early marriages. Quite often, it is parents themselves who are the problem. They wait so long for their kid’s education to finish that the appropriate suitors are not interested anymore. Doors are left wide open for dating, free inter-mixing, non-observing of Hijab and segregation, physical touching, even if that means casual handshakes (human touch is where sexual desires arise), roaming gazes, casual sex, fornication, etc.

Haste is from Shaitan, except in arranging marriages for your daughters. The Prophet (saw) stated: “If somebody comes to you, and you are pleased with his character and religion, then marry him. If you do not, there will be discord on earth and widespread corruption.” (Ibn Majah)Another aspect is that men and women have been created differently on purpose. Every husband and wife should have a deep understanding of each other’s basic behaviour, especially for marriages to prosper. For instance, when women talk out their troubles, they do not necessarily seek solutions. They want to receive empathy/ sympathy. But when men discuss their problems, they are searching for solutions.

Prophet (saw) was beyond par excellence in understanding the intrinsic nature of his wives. In order to benefit the Ummah (especially women, who were widowed/ divorced/ left single), he exercised polygamy and encouraged multiple spouses for others, if one could do justice among them, as he did. All nine wives were immensely in love with him, as he treated them all uniquely.

When he entered his home, he didn’t treat his wives like slaves fetching for his needs. Instead, he happily served them and his other family members. He would milk the goats, mend his clothes and help clean the house. During traveling for an expedition, he realized, how monotonous and long the journeys were back then - he would go up to his wife’s Hodaw (carriers on camels) for a chit chat. Twice he asked the caravan to march forward, just to be alone with Ayesha (rtaf) for racing with her out of play and fun. He would take Ghusl with her in the same bath tub and drink from the spot of cup, where she had drunk from. When her father Abu Bakr (rtam) once raised his hand on Ayesha (rtaf), because she was arguing with the Prophet (saw), he intervened for saving his wife and playfully reminded her about it later, when they were alone.

There were no material comforts in the Prophet’s (saw) house - he set the highest standards of simplicity for himself, his family and for the Ummah to come. So much so that when his wives requested for a raise in their allowance, he parted from them for thirty days. They later willingly agreed to continue living under same circumstances, as none of them could bear to be separated from the Prophet (saw).

The messenger of Allah (saw) cared for his spouses’ emotional well-being with gentleness and kindness. He approved of physical attraction and the closeness it generated. Hence, they all loved him dearly, willing to make any kind of sacrifices. However, he did not surrender, where Shariah or materialistic issues were under consideration. Today, the couples make a grave mistake - they ignore the aspects of physical intimacy and emotional empathy; instead, they try to please each other with Haram substitutes and materialistic endeavors that are not sustainable. Hence, romance dies.

Even after Prophet’s (saw) very first soul mate Khadija (rtaf) was long gone, he would reminisce about her: “Verily, I was filled with affection for her.”This is true love that transcends time, a deep romance between the most remarkable man in history, who changed the fate of the world, and his loving companion, who stood by him like a rock, and the memories of which never evaded the Messenger (saw) as long as he lived.

Lectureshop organized by Livedeen, transcribed for Hiba by Rana Rais Khan.